People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
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I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Not all heroes wear capes…
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Tell me you get it…🤣
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside