[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
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If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”