I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
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I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle