*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
You Might Also Like
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.