i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
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Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
synchronized noseblowing
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.