When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
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Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.