My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
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The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.