Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
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To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Oh my god
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?