OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
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Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Omg 🤣
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.