“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
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[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]