In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
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I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?