I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
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“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
had to share :’)