*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
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I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her