I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
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My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”