Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
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Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
A Short Story.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”