Bartenders are just boneless bars
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Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.