Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
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I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created