(yawn)
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If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks