Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
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The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work