3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
You Might Also Like
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Yup.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Support your local cemetery
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.