Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
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I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.