A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
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*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.