As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
You Might Also Like
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control