I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
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When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*