a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
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Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn