If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
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Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war