Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
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SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now