My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
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Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.