You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
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My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta