Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
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[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Oh deer
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤