The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
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day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.