Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
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The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters