Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.