Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
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Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…