Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
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My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.