God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
You Might Also Like
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Running from your problems is cardio .
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
My dog learned how to text
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking