I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
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My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
“I wouldn’t.”
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up