I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
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I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.