Today’s weather from Yorkshire
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Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
was Jim off killing horses or…