My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
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*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Spider-cat: No One Home
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
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