In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
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Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.