You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
You Might Also Like
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad