Can’t, holding a grudge
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Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Don’t make me out nice you.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Ha
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN