While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
You Might Also Like
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said