I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
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“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off