coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
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My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
*lint rolls you awake*
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.