I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
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I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
got so much cardio in today
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Stop sending me this shit.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.