Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
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Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Good news
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?