Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
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My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.