Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
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My dating profile:
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me